


Letter From Home

by Annsabella



Series: Life and Love [1]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Anger, Depression, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Love, happiness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-14 08:27:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29664513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annsabella/pseuds/Annsabella
Summary: Commander Chakotay receives a letter from home through the Midas Array. What he learns in that letter leads him down a dark spiral of depression.
Relationships: Chakotay & Kathryn Janeway, Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Series: Life and Love [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2179890
Comments: 6
Kudos: 30





	Letter From Home

Chakotay hadn’t expected a letter in their monthly mail drop. Once he’d written to what little family he had left, that was the last time he thought about it. His sister Sekaya, his only sibling who was nine years younger, had written to him about the impending birth of her first child, a boy. He never thought of himself as an uncle, and part of him at the time was intimidated by the prospect. However, once he remembered his current location the feeling vanished, allowing an intense sadness to momentarily fill the space. 

When he thought about it, It was around the time she was due to deliver, perhaps this was the reason for the letter. Hope rose swiftly, allowing his heart to swell. He knew such feelings were dangerous, it was a lesson he had been reacquainted with on more than one occasion but was unable to stop the process. Looking at the padd, he noticed it was from a man named Hakan. It took a moment to remember, the information finally coming to him, his brother-in-law. 

As he sat on the bridge reading the letter, he’d almost forgotten he wasn’t alone. Captain Kathryn Janeway was sitting in her seat beside him, reading a letter of her own, a faint smile lingering on her lips. She hardly noticed when he rose from his seat and headed for the turbolift, only noticing the movement from the corner of her eye. After hearing the doors close, the bridge crew was startled by a loud scream followed by a crash. 

Everyone’s eyes focused on the turbolift doors. Janeway then looked to each of the bridge crew's faces, their confused expressions giving no insight as to what might have been the cause of the volatile reaction.

“Did I miss something?” Harry asked, his confusion mirroring her own. 

“Did anyone see what happened?” Janeway asked. No one spoke. Tapping her com badge, she said, “Janeway to Chakotay,” silence, “Janeway to Chakotay respond,” again silence, “Computer, locate Commander Chakotay.”

“Commander Chakotay is on level six, section C,” the computer replied.

“Tuvok, you’re with me. Paris you have the bridge,” she announced, heading for the turbolift. Once inside, they immediately noticed the remnants of a broken data padd. 

***

It didn’t take long to determine his current location, the holodeck. Janeway had attempted to reach out to him one final time before attempting entry, the doors were locked. Immediately, Tuvok accessed the panel, attempting to override the lockout protocols but was having difficulty.

“I’m afraid I am unable to override the lockout. I could disable the panel or continue my efforts.”

“Can you determine what the program is?”

It didn’t take long to find the answer. “Torres Zeta One. Author, B’Elanna Torres.”

Tapping her com badge again she said, “Janeway to Torres.”

“Yes, Captain.”

“What can you tell me about a holodeck program named Torres Zeta One,” the com went uncharacteristically silent, it was a theme she was fast losing patience with, “B’Elanna.”

“I’m here Captain. I…uhh…” it was obvious she was struggling to find the right words, “is there a problem with the program?”

“You tell me, Lieutenant. Commander Chakotay has locked himself inside holodeck two.”

“Oh God,” she exclaimed.

“Lieutenant?”

“The program is set to the highest level of difficulty and the safety protocols have been disabled. You need to shut down the program.”

Janeway could hear the alarm in her voice. “B’Elanna, what is the program?”

“I’d rather not disclose it over the com Captain, but sufficed to say, he could die.”

An alarm was now rising within her, “Can you shut down the program from your end?”

“I’m afraid not.”

Giving a nod to Tuvok, he pulled his phaser and disabled the panel, the door opened. Tuvok, followed by Janeway, entered. What they saw was a cave system, dead bodies of various races lay amongst the rocks as the sound of weapons fire filled her ears, hoping she didn’t spot Chakotay’s body among them. 

“Captain,” Tuvok called, drawing her attention to a small tunnel leading further into the cave system. Pulling her own phaser, she followed. When they were a third of the way in Tuvok stopped to retrieve something from the ground. Showing it to Janeway, it was Chakotay’s jacket and tunic. Blood was smeared across both. Her concern for him heightened.

“We need to find the Commander now,” Tuvok nodded in agreement. 

Moving further through the small space, they began to hear sounds of a struggle ahead. Hurrying their pace, they exited to find Chakotay surrounded by four Cardassian’s, his torso covered in blood, his or theirs they didn’t know. Carrying only what appeared to be a survival knife, taking on a unique fighting stance, he began to take them on. 

The first Cardassian lunged forward with a pain staff, with a quick motion of his forearm, he knocked it aside before grabbing it. Pushing the Cardassian back against a large rock cropping. Spinning it around one-handed, he thrust the pain inducer into his neck while another Cardassian stepped in to slice him with a standard poison blade. Thrusting the stick into the ground, he used it as a counterbalance to kick him back with both feet, forcing the Cardassian to fall back and slide across the floor away from him. 

Tuvok nor Janeway was able to get a clear shot, afraid of shooting him. The two behind him rushed forward together, their poison swords at the ready. 

Adopting the same fighting stance, he appeared to be ignoring them until they were close enough to be reached. Picking up the staff, Chakotay hit the first one on the side of the head so hard it broke in two and caused the man to drop like a stone. The second was able to get a solid strike to Chakotay’s ribs. Blood began to gush from the wound. Ignoring the blow, he jumped from one rock to another to get some height before coming down on the last man, impaling him in the chest with the two broken pieces. Letting go, he slumped to his knees. Tuvok stunned the other three before Janeway ran up to him. “Computer, medical emergency, transport Commander Chakotay and myself to sickbay and end program.” She saw the holo grid appear in the transporter stream before rematerializing in sickbay and looking up into the Doctor’s concerned face.

“Please state the nature of the medical emergency.” The Doctor said.

“It’s Chakotay, he’s been sliced by a sword,” Janeway explained.

“A sword? What was he doing?”

“Fighting Cardassian’s in the holodeck with the safety protocols off.”

“Help me get him over to the surgical table,” He asked, and Janeway did. Once he was firmly on the table, the Doctor gave him a tranquilizer before assessing any further injuries. “Cardassian’s ehh? What did these swords look like?” She gave as detailed a description as she could remember, “Sounds like assassin swords, they are usually coated with a toxic poison.”

“Poison?” Janeway questioned. “How is that possible? Will he be all right?”

“It’s hard to know yet. I will need to run some tests. Everyone assumes running programs with the safety protocols off only puts you in immediate physical danger, never about any secondary effects. If you could get Mr. Paris to assist me the work would go faster.” 

She nodded, noticing for the first time that blood covered her uniform. Tapping her com badge, “Janeway to Paris. You’re needed in sickbay. Mister Kim, you’re in charge until Commander Tuvok arrives.”

“Understood.”

She watched as the Doctor moved impossibly fast. Almost making her dizzy. In the beginning, she wasn’t particularly pleased with having a hologram for a doctor, and now she couldn’t imagine not having one. “Keep me informed.”

“Captain, you may want to consider changing out of your uniform and taking a shower. Even though I am uncertain as to what kind of poison it is, it would be safer to recycle your clothing just to make sure you don’t contaminate anyone else. If you happen to have any little cuts on your body right now be especially careful around those areas.”

“Understood, I’ll be back to check on you both shortly.”

***

Showered and changed. Janeway, Tuvok, and B’Elanna met in the briefing room to discuss the situation. 

“I don’t understand it.” B’Elanna began. “He knew how dangerous the program was. Why would he use it?”

“When was he made aware of this Lieutenant Torres?” Tuvok asked. 

She suddenly appeared to be extremely uncomfortable. Janeway tried to give her a reassuring look. “When I found out that the maquis had all been killed, I lost myself for a while. I created that program because I felt I should have died with them. I didn’t care about anything anymore, and pain seemed to be the only thing that made me feel anything, so I’d know I was alive.” 

“Do you have any idea why he would have chosen to run such a dangerous program?” Tuvok asked. 

She shook her head and asked a question of her own. “If I may,” Janeway gave a nod, “what was he doing right before this happened?”

Janeway thought back to the smashed data padd in the turbolift. “It might have been a letter from home. We’d both received one in the monthly mail drop this week.”

“If the letter can be reconstructed, perhaps it could be determined as to what information caused this volatile reaction,” Tuvok added. 

Janeway nodded. “Let me know as soon as you find anything. Dismissed.”

***

In her ready room, Janeway attempted to take her mind off the situation, but nothing helped. All she wanted to know was two things. Would Chakotay be alright, and what was in the letter. Seven was currently working on its reconstruction, saving all information being sent by the pathfinder array took time to catalog and index. 

“Seven to Janeway.”

“Go ahead.”

“I have reconstructed Commander Chakotay’s letter and am sending it to your personal database.”

“Thank you, Seven. Janeway out.”

Accessing the monitor in her office, she pulled up the letter and began to read. It was from his brother-in-law Hakan. It explained how his sister Sekaya along with their cousin Vekro, decided to return to their tribal home on Elohi in the Cardassian Demilitarized Zone, even though their tribal lands were now being shared with the Cardassians who had also moved in. She thought it was worth the risk to have their son be born there and learn from the land and other tribe members who have returned since the ending of the Dominion War. 

Life had been good there for a while until there was a Cardassian attack on their village while Sekaya was in the process of giving birth. She, the baby, and the midwife were shot and killed by the Cardassians without mercy. His brother-in-law Hakan and cousin Vekro led a counterattack which led to the destruction of the Cardassian outpost, making it unlikely they would want to return considering the reconstruction efforts that continue to go unabated on Cardassia Prime.

Janeway couldn’t help but feel heartbroken for Chakotay. He’d already lost most of his family there years ago, prompting his reasons for joining the maquis, to begin with. Now, the only immediate family he had left were murdered unmercifully. She understood now what had prompted his recent behavior, and now it was a waiting game to see if he would recover.

“Doctor to Captain Janeway.”

“Janeway here.”

“Could you please come to sickbay at your earliest convenience. It’s about Commander Chakotay.”

She didn’t have to think twice, “On my way.”

***

Entering the room, the look on the Doctor’s face told her that the news was not good. “How is the Commander?”

His face appeared solum. “Mister Paris and I have done everything we could to heal his injuries, we were even able to determine the type of toxin used and was able to counteract the effects.”

“That sounds like good news Doctor,” she replied slightly puzzled by his expression.

“He’s in a coma Captain, and we are unable to rouse him. There is no reason why he should be in a coma at all. His neural activity is slowing down, which is what occurs with most patients who’ve sustained a mental trauma. To my knowledge, there is no medical reason I can determine as to why he would simply give up on life.” 

“What do you suggest?” She asked feeling anxious. The idea of losing him was unacceptable. 

“Commander Tuvok has suggested performing another bridging of minds. Due to your close relationship, he believes you would have the best chance of convincing the Commander to reawaken before it’s too late.”

When it came to Chakotay she didn’t have to think about it. “When do we begin?”

***

Tuvok began the process, both standing next to the bio-bed where Chakotay now lay. It seemed as soon as the words my mind to your minds were spoken her eyes snapped open to find herself standing in darkness. The sounds of weapons fire and screams filling the night. In the distance, she could see something large burning on the horizon. Making her way through the trees and underbrush, she peered through the tree-line. A battle was taking place. 

Phaser fire pierced the darkness, she could see bodies, Human and Cardassian littering the ground. The smell of death pungent in the air, making her raise a hand to shield her nose and mouth. Smoke drifted up into the night, blocking out the stars. It was chaos. She could feel herself getting angry, the fighting was unnecessary, the loss of life unreasonable. It was then she remembered that it wasn’t real, only a representation of what Chakotay perceived as reality. 

Exiting the tree-line, she began looking for him. Tuvok had advised her of the importance to not allow his reality to become hers, if she began to accept the situation then she could become trapped. The fighting continued around her, she was only a phantom, unable to be seen or affected by the situation as she began the search. 

After some time, she located him, his back to the door. A hooded lantern was the only source of illumination. He was covered in blood, and the sounds of grief filled the room as he rocked back and forth. Moving closer, she could see he held the body of a woman in his lap, her slender legs limp. It was then she could hear him murmuring something she couldn’t make out. 

“Chakotay,” she called softly.

“Get out of here Kathryn, I’ll not add your death to my conscience,” he choked out.

She knelt beside him slowly, it was then she could almost see the face of the woman. However, the swollen belly gave her pause. “Is this the village where you grew up?”

“GO!” He shouted angrily, his grief-stricken face suddenly facing hers.

She pulled back slightly, the unexpected reaction startling her for a moment. However, seeing his blood-streaked face, the pain in his eyes, she couldn’t help but find herself drawn to him. He was her friend, her confidant. How could she ever pull away from him when it was obvious how much he needed someone to lean on? “This isn’t real. Out there, in the real world, you’re body is dying. I need you to come back with me.”

Looking down, he stared at the woman’s face, and it was only then that Kathryn was able to get a glimpse of her. She was young, her features resembling his. It was then she remembered his sister Sekaya. He had mentioned her pregnancy over dinner one night, of how she was expecting her first child. After that, there was no further mention, and she didn’t want to force the issue, something about his tone giving the impression that this was all he cared to discuss of the subject. 

Suddenly it came to her, the reason for his anger once he entered the turbolift. The feeling of sorrow running quickly through her heart, making it go out to him. “Oh, Chakotay,” she breathed, “I’m so sorry.” Her words seemed to fuel his grief, only causing him to pull her body closer. She wanted to take him in her arms, comfort him. Tears brimmed her eyes, threatening to spill over. Words would not ease his pain; she knew from experience. “This won’t bring her back. You could spend a lifetime in mourning, and it would change nothing, trust me, I know, and so do you.”

A loud cry escaped his lips, full of pain and fury. His head leaning back to face the heavens. “Haven’t I suffered enough? Have you not taken enough from me? How much more will you take before the end? When will my torment ever be enough for you? I hate you with every fiber of my being! Whatever you are! Whoever you are! I renounce you! I draw the line here and now! I’ll die before I see you take another person I love away from me!”

She’d never heard him sound so defeated, broken. He couldn’t mean what he was saying. He was slipping deeper into his grief, becoming more entrenched by the pain. There had to be some way to pull him back from the precipice of despair before it was too late. Wrapping her arms around him, she held him as he held his sister, the tears in her eyes spilling over. “You have to find a way to make peace with this in your heart. Don’t let it consume you. It will only gain more power over you. Don’t let it destroy your life. We’ve all been through too much together to give up now. I will help you. Just come back with me.” She pleaded, begged. Desperate to cling to him for more selfish reasons than she had ever been willing to admit.

“Just leave me, there’s nothing for you here. You don’t need me. You’re a strong determined woman, you’ll make it on your own. I can’t save you, Kathryn. All you need to do is let me go. I won’t hold it against you, it’s what I want.” He said softly, avoiding her eyes.

Without realizing it, he was forcing her into a position she wasn’t comfortable with. She didn’t know for certain if he still felt the same way about her, he kept it hidden. It was not hinted at or discussed, but occasionally, she would notice something in his eyes light up, giving her a glimpse at the depth of his feelings, becoming as clear as light through a crystal. Then it would withdraw, all traces of its existence erased, allowing her to dismiss it as if it were something she misinterpreted. 

Now, she found herself embroiled in an internal conflict. Did she allow herself to be vulnerable enough to admit her deepest feelings to him, or would she continue to hold fast to duty and protocol? It was an impossible decision, either choice leading to a set of consequences she would have to be willing to live with and accept. The choices swirled in her mind, there wasn’t enough time to take a step back to really consider another alternative if there was one to be considered. She found herself becoming overwhelmed, wishing that the need for a decision could be circumvented. Time was slipping away from her, and she resented it. 

The light in the room began to dim. It was getting harder to see his face, and she knew that if she said nothing, did nothing, before the light was extinguished, he would be gone, forever. All she knew, at this moment, was that she couldn’t let him go, regardless of what it would mean for her later. Taking his face in her hands she closed her eyes and kissed him, and through that kiss, expressed every feeling she had for him that words could not. 

When she felt him return that kiss, it told her everything she needed to about his feelings for her. Words were not necessary, time was forgotten. All she could feel was his lips on hers, feeding her passion, needs, desires. 

Her eyes opened. The Doctor was standing across from her, scanning Chakotay, a smile on his face. She could still feel the imprint of his kiss on her lips. Embarrassed, she glanced up at Tuvok, the only other witness to her moment of deep vulnerability. His expression betrayed nothing. She was afraid to look into his eyes, that she might see disappointment and judgment there. 

“I don’t know how you did it Captain, but his neurological processes are beginning to stabilize. Well done.” He congratulated. 

“Will he make a full recovery?” She asked.

“Yes,” he answered with a smile, “he should be conscious within a few hours.”

“Keep me informed.” She stated before beginning the slow walk out of sickbay. 

She hadn’t realized Tuvok was behind her until he entered the turbolift. “Deck two,” she ordered. Once the door closed, he ordered it to stop. “I understand how uncomfortable you must be feeling, my having witnessed such a private moment. However, there is no reason to be. I agree with your decision, and I believe Commander Chakotay would have died had it not been for your actions.”

She looked up at him surprised before returning her eyes to the wall in front of her. “Part of me wishes I hadn’t done it.”

“It was the only logical decision, Captain. There is nothing to regret.”

“But there is, Tuvok,” she replied softly.

“It will no doubt change the nature of your relationship. Starfleet protocols highly discourage, but does not prohibit, a relationship with a lower or higher-ranking officer,” he stated, “the only restriction is that they are not a direct subordinate, which is difficult considering our present circumstances. However, when these protocols were written, they were not done so with our current situation in mind.”

“So, what are you saying, Tuvok? I indulge my feelings?” She asked looking up at him, needing his council. 

“Whether you choose to pursue a romantic relationship with Commander Chakotay is your decision alone. I cannot provide counsel on the subject. What I can offer you is my thoughts on the matter.” She indicated he continue, “I can see two benefits should you choose to decide to pursue the relationship further. We have no way of knowing when or if we will return to the alpha quadrant in our lifetimes, so logic would dictate that the benefit of a romantic relationship will often ensure procreation, increasing the likely hood that Voyager would be able to continue its journey.”

“And the other?”

“Most species are driven by their desires, and the desire for a meaningful personal connection above all others is only natural. If one has the need for this level of intimacy, it is unwise to ignore it.”

She stood staring at him a few moments longer, considering his words. “Thank you, Tuvok.”

“Computer, resume,” he ordered, the lift hummed to life.

***

She delayed seeing him once he’d been released from sickbay, allowing them both a few days to come to terms with what happened. Ringing the door chime to Chakotay’s quarters, she waited for a response. The door opened, providing that answer. He was sitting in a comfortable chair, a book in his hands.

“I wanted to see how you are feeling,” she said taking a step inside. He gestured toward the sofa and put the book down on the small table beside him. Taking a glance at it as she crossed the room, noticed the title was too worn to see, indicating it was well used. “Good book?” She asked taking a seat.

“Helpful,” he replied. An awkward silence fell between them. It was he who decided to break it, “You know, I’ve been thinking about what happened, and I understand you only did what you did because you felt you had to… Friends?” He asked, letting her off the hook. He was trying to make her feel comfortable, his reasons not lost on her.

“Always,” she answered, her lips spreading into a smile, making him do the same in return. “Normally, I would appreciate you letting me off the hook, but in this case, I can’t oblige you.”

Sitting back in the chair, he let out a sigh, looking down at his feet. “Kathryn, you don’t have to do this. A line was crossed, you’re right, but you did it because you felt it was the only way to keep me from dying. You don’t have to explain yourself to me. I know you would go as far as you felt you had to, to save any member of your crew,” he raised his eyes to meet hers, “let’s just forget it and move on.”

His eyes were pleading with her to let it lie, “Chakotay, I want to be honest with you for a moment. Please?” He took a breath, a sign of acquiescence, “I’ve been struggling with this over the last few days, and I can see you have too. This situation hasn’t been easy for either of us, for you especially,” she looked down at her hands, trying to keep them from fidgeting, “I’ve asked too much of you over the years, sometimes forgetting that you’re just a man, and like every man you have your breaking point,” she looked up at him again, meeting his eyes, “you’re sister meant a great deal to you, and I cannot convey how deeply sorry I am for your loss,” he nodded, tears forming in his eyes, “losing you is unacceptable to me. Not only because you’re my first officer and my friend,” he looked up, meeting her gaze, the tears poised in his eyes, “but…” 

He could see her struggling with the words, making his own heart go out to her. His voice, filled with emotion interjected, “You don’t have to say anymore, Kathryn.”

“I do,” she answered, the mix of emotions making it difficult to speak, “what I’m trying to say is…I love you,” there it was, pure, simple, poignant. The weight in her chest lifted immediately, she had said the words it had taken her years to accept. 

He stared at her, the tears, once poised on the brink of release fell, sliding across his cheeks. He wasn’t sure how to feel about this. They were words he’d hoped to hear from her one day, but now that he had, it left him stunned, numb, “I don’t know what to say.”

It was difficult to speak, but she had to make the effort, “I didn’t come here expecting anything from you. What I hoped to leave with was at least our friendship, nothing more. If you never believe another word I say, please believe that” she said standing, preparing to leave. 

As she began to pass, a hand, firm yet gentle reached out to claim her wrist. Tears found their release, spilling across her cheeks, “did you really mean that?” He asked softly, “that you love me.”

“Yes,” she answered, her voice choked with emotion, almost defying her the use of the ability.

Quietly he stood up, turning her toward him. She looked down, unable to meet his eyes, afraid of what might be there. His finger, a soft caress, lifted her chin, forcing her to make the connection. Slowly, eyes closed, he dipped his head down to meet her lips. Her eyes closed in response, his lips telling her of promises, dreams, passion, hope, and love. She stood there, kissing him back, nearly overwhelmed to the point of collapse. Her arms wrapped around his neck, finding support. His hands, shy at first, touched her waist before sliding up her back, pulling her closer, deepening the kiss. Eternity was being promised at this moment, and it was eternity which was being accepted.

**Author's Note:**

> Members, as well as guests, are free and able to leave comments on any of my work.


End file.
